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As children, we often hold back from speaking about what matters to us through fear of losing love and connection (essential to our very survival) with our caregivers. This fear can arise from prior experiences of shame, blame, alienation, abandonment or abuse. The experience of losing love and connection can feel life-threatening, and will often lead to the internalisation of the belief that something must be wrong with us. We will then suppress our true selves in an innocent attempt to avoid this pain. 

When we grow older and enter relationships, we may still struggle to share our feelings. Our nervous systems recognise the serious threat inherent in sharing, so they may choose to numb us out, or send us into anxious states, to make certain we don’t take the risk. Even when we try to express ourselves, the familiar dread can prevent us from doing so. We might find ourselves with partners who either have an incomplete understanding of who we are (because we haven’t shown them) or mirror the dynamics of our early caregivers.

This disconnect often leads to responses from partners that echo our past experiences, intensifying our feelings of loss and reinforcing a sense of our inherent wrongness. Over time, we gather evidence supporting the belief that being our authentic selves is shameful and leads to alienation.

And so the cycle continues. 

Breaking this pattern can come via various sources: an exceptional partner, a profoundly transformative life moment, or a therapeutic / spiritual journey that helps us heal and reconnect with our true essence.

I can help you with the latter.